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Wed, Apr. 18th, 2012, 03:22 pm
Catching Up

I don't know how much Ill actually be posting here again, but I figured I'd check in. My main blogs are a little "too" open for me to get real in at times (ie my mom reads them , then bitches about me about them) and it's nice to have more of a journaly type site, considering how long this one goes back.

For those of you who read my last (f-locked) post, things are a little more stable. A lot of the same crap's going on, but he's stopped trying to pressure me into things and I'm ignoring the online shit. I looked at leaving and couldn't find a way to make it work. My parents won't help me at all, I don't really have any friends or family nearby, and there are other things that complicate stuff (being married with a child instead of just living together adds an extra level of hoops to jump through and my dogs make it about impossible to find housing anywhere near affordable).

I'm trying to work more online and monetizing some of my blogs, but I don't really have enough traffic to do much and I can't write as often or as well now that my son is not napping and is into everything, so the writing income has dropped way off from where I was last year. I applied for a few jobs but haven't heard anything back. One thing that's hurting me, I think, is not having any references, because I could not keep in touch with people I worked with before and because I don't get out of the house and don't know people to use as references. At my age, that just looks suspicious as hell. I'd like to go back into real estate now that the market seems to be picking up some, but I need to save up a few thousand dollars to realistically be able to do that and I don't know how without getting another job first.

There's also the daycare situation. I really don't want to put my son in daycare at all, but I guess you do what you have to. At the same time, if I do, I'm using an actual licensed daycare instead of one of those home daycares where you could be dropping them off at a meth lab (yes, 2 "home daycares" in my county have been busted as meth labs and many have been closed or investigated of sexual abuse - the plain physical abuses cases don't even make the news - which is why I am trying to avoid the whole thing). Anyway, a decent daycare is $140-158/week around here , which would be half of my take home pay or more at most full-time jobs I've seen. I could get daycare assistance now, but working would raise out family income just enough to make me ineligible for it. 

I want to go back to school in fall, so I can get work from home easier, but I'm not sure how that would work either. I would be able to get help with daycare then, but it's till cost over $200 a month out of pocket. I am also only eligible for a partial Pell Grant this year, because chasing out retirement accounts and getting unemployment last year almost doubled our income on paper. It's enough to pay tuition and some books, but I'd still have to worry about daycare, gas to drive back and forth (about 25 miles each way), and other expenses. If I wait another year, I'd get more grants and, if I wait 2 years, I qualify for all sorts of aid as a "displaced homemaker) and could put Robbie in public school at least until I graduate. OTOH, I feel like if I don't do it now I might not ever and, if the hubby and I do split up, then I'll be really screwed.

Wed, Jun. 8th, 2011, 05:21 am
Not Really Dealing with Stress, or My Marriage Sucks

I've been up since 2am when I woke up totally stressed out, verging on an anxiety attack, and I just need to vent right now.

I feel like I totally suck at adulthood. Part of me is just really pissed off because life is not at all how I thought it would be and nothing seems fair, and another part of me is just telling me to stuff it and grow the fuck up. The most rational part of me is telling me to get an appointment with the shrink I haven't seen in close to a year and get this crap sorted out, but that takes money I don't have and the cost of starting appointments again, plus possibly having meds to pay for, might just make things worse.

One thing is I feel really insecure about my whole life, and I don't really have anyone to talk to or anywhere to go for reassurance. I even feel like I brought a lot of that on myself though. I just feel like there is so much screwed up about my life and I can never really be honest about it, so it keeps getting worse. If you know the majority of the people my husband & I associate with, you'll understand why this isn't something I can really talk about with anyone (most are extremely conservative, and the only people I talk to here are his family/friends or their wives).

One of the big things is that my marriage is so assed up, and I feel like if I don't pretend everything is cool then I'll just get dogged on for being a bad wife (have had this happen before, and have seen a friend get really run through the ringer in a similar situation - all of her husband's faults were blamed on here and she was criticized both for not keeping quiet & supporting him & for not "outing" him sooner). I got jumped on by some women I thought I could trust a while back for asking them for advice about this situation, and they didn't know the half of it.

My husband has some serious fucking issues with porn and other sexual stuff. It wouldn't be a big deal, except he's constantly lying about things involving it and is literally locking me out so he can spend entire days online looking at porn or emailing others about shared fantasies. Part of this is because his dad is a womanizer and abuser and because he had a messed up childhood in many ways. I try to look at it through that, and remember that I love him, but his stuff is really messing up my life. I feel betrayed because he hid a lot of stuff, even though I understand why he would, and then he lied to me about it repeatedly for years and still lies about things where sex or porn/fetish stuff is concerned. I even tried going along with some of that, and it just made me feel like crap and really screwed with my mind.

He came out a few years ago and told me he'd always been bi-curious, then later admitted he'd been into cross-dressing (which I wondered about, because I found a bunch of women's clothes and he made up a really lame lie to explain them). It freaked me out a bit, but I tried to accept it because I don't really believe in divorce and I do still love my husband. I even went to a counselor, who was gay herself, and she helped me deal with things much better, especially by explaining that being bi or curious was not an excuse for someone in a supposedly monogamous relationship to cheat. Too bad the hubby didnt go to, because I think we really would benefit from some sort of counseling, but he sees everything as my problem not his.

This progressed to him really trying to push me into a threesome and some really out-there fetish type stuff, which I went along with for a bit, and ended up in the hospital suicidal over issues related to the crap surrounding it later (it was really bad timing I was already having panic attacks and flashbacks relating to sexual abuse and just gave in to the whole thing because it was the only way he would spend time with me or talk to me otherwise, he locked himself in the bedroom to surf online). He backed off for a while after I got out of the hospital (partially because I was in a car accident afterward, then got pregnant), but started bringing stuff up again even while I was pregnant. He kept talking about a threesome with a guy who was bi and would do stuff with him and/or an "open" relationship. Basically, it's all about him hooking up with someone, and I already feel like I'm not important to him, so I couldn't handle that at all. Again, it was the whole way things were done - I wouldn't have a problem with kink or a threesome if I know it was all on the level, and could possibly neogiate an open or poly relationship if there was honesty and trust between us. 

While I was pregnant, and for the first few months after our son was born he acted like he hated me (I had severe postpartum depression and he started screaming at me one day because I was crying and told him I needed him to watch the baby for a while - I almost shot myself but was shaking too bad and just grazed myself - he ran in, slapped me, and yelled at me then for making a hole in the wall). He was all about having a baby, but didn't even seem to want to be in the same room as I was. Things have gotten a little better, but most of the time I feel like I'm just an accessory and when he does speak with me so much of the time it's sarcastic, contemptuous, or blaming me for something. I looked up stuff on emotional abuse while I was pregnant, and his behavior fits a lot of the signs, but he really blew up when I tried to talk about that with him. I know I'd tell a friend to leave, but I don't have anywhere to go, and I don't want to if I can avoid it. He's good to our son, and I would leave if he ever mistreated him in anyway, but I still worry that he's still going to end up affected by all this.

Even now, he's trying to push the whole open relationship and fetish scene stuff and I am just not interested. It sucks because  I used to be a lot more openminded toward things and really into some of it and I feel like he's taken that part of my sexuality away from my by fucking it all up. I'm skeptical of it all now because he seems to be using it to try to push me into stuff I don't agree with and I don't like being gamed. I joined one site he spent hours a day on just to see wtf he was doing and he was all happy and lovey-dovey once I "added" him, then he started pushing me to join this or that "Group" on there and suggesting his friends add me and hit on me. He also posted a craigslist sex ad looking for guys to have sex with me/us and then guilt tripped me for not going along with it because I was "disappointing" the guys who responded (again, he posted the ad and pics of me without my consent and then wanted me to meet and have sex with these guys with little or no heath or safety precautions, and without really asking for my consent or even opinion on it). It really annoys the shit out of me that he is all about "babysitting" so I can meet some random dude for sex as part of his little fantasy world, but he has never once offere to watch the baby so I could leave the house for anything, read a book, or even get work done (I do freelance writing while watching a very active toddler).

He still claims he's never cheated on me, but I don't know what to think. I want to believe him but he's lied about so much other stuff. The first time I was away from home with our son, I came home to find that he'd shaved all his body hair (including chest & legs). He said he did it for me, even though he did it in the past and knows I HATE it. He had asked me to set up a new computer for him and transfer his account, so when I go to do that, I find that he's been emailing guys off gay/crossdresser personal ads and was talking to one of them and even mentioned shaving so they could meet up. He says he didn't do it, and was just wanting to talk to people who would "understand", but I don't know what to believe. Again, if you want to do that, be honest about it. I', mot into it at all, but I could possibly tolerate some exlporation as long as I know you are being safe and not doing shit that makes it likely you'll bring home some disease.

The internet stuff is still a big issue. Mainly, I am pissed about the lying and sneaking aspect of it, and he has very little discretion, so I am worried about my son being exposed to it at too young an age (he has no problem browsing sites with very explict pics with out 2 year old in the room or even on his lap in the computer chair - I don't think that's appropriate for a child to see at all, even if you think they are too young to know what it is). One other problem is that he does it from my laptop, too, and cost me a job a few years ago when some of his crap came up while I was trying to open another website during a presentation. I installed OpenDNS to track and filter websites here at home and he totally freaked out on me over it, calling the ISP, threatening to cancel the internet (which is my only way of making money right now and my main connection with other people), and generally scaring the shit out of me (it was probably the closest I've ever seen him to physical violence when I told him I'd blocked the sites). He lied and told me it was blocking some of his zombie/survival sites and that's why he was pissed, but I had the server logs, and all it had blocked were fetish, crossdressing, and cuckhold (wives with other men) sites.

I'm not sure what to do, short of leaving, but I am not really in a position to do that. I cashed out all my retirement and savings to pay for medical bills and baby stuff, and quit my job because he was adamant about me being a stay-at-home mom. I literally have no money now and a whole crapload of bills to pay. (Yes, now he wants me to go back to work, but not use daycare either - the choice is a job I can take the baby to work with me at or stay home all day caring for our son & the house and then work evening shift). He's already told me he would take our son from me in a divorce, and he could probably use the mental health stuff to do that.

Sun, May. 15th, 2011, 08:42 pm
Real Estate Career

I had a mandatory update class for my real estate license yesterday.

Being in a room full of people who had worked in real estate (most of the class was no longer actively working) made me realize how much I miss it.

I'm going to go back to work with it, but am still really hesitant because it costs so much money to be an agent  and takes at least 3-4 months usually to get paid for the first transaction or two. I also do not want to put Robbie in daycare, so I need to find a brokerage that will let me either work from home primarily or have Robbie in the office with me. My previous broker was fine with that, but I would really rather work in an office closer to home and concentrate on just the two towns I live between and have the most experience selling in.

It's strange how nervous I am over interviews, because I know I can go back to Century 21, no questions asked. The thing is, there are only a couple offices in the area that covers both of the cities I want to work in, and I am not sure I could get on there. I'm sure I could at one if I didn't have a child to care for, but I don't want to put him in daycare while I work because I know I'll be working long hours and weekends, and he's used to being with me 24/7. The other, I'm not so sure about. I've referred a few clients to one of their brokers, which should help, but all of their agents are men and I don't know if that's intentional or not.

I am right on the edge of having enough experience to declare myself broker-in-charge and run my own office, but I don't have quite enough because I was working part-time my first 2 years in the business (they require 2 years full-time or 4+ years part time within the past 5 years). I also don't feel like I have the experience I really need yet, since they totally re-did our contracts and made some major changes to the mortgage rules and paperwork in the last year or two, so I need to work for a broker for at least a couple years before going out on my own. It also helps because I'll have somebody there to ask for help or advice if I need it.

Fri, May. 13th, 2011, 03:12 pm
Here We Go Again

My husband's company is looking for a new insurance company, trying to save money. This could be a good thing, except part of the determination involves getting the weight and height of everyone  and their spouses (presumably for BMI).

So, I get a call from the HR lady, because my husband doesn't know my height and weight. I tell her, and it sucks, because I feel like I'm going to be the reason this gets rejected or gets everyone higher rates or something.

I am cool with the size I am and how I look, but I hate that companies are allowed to discriminate based on size, even for a person who does not suffer from any of the supposedly weight-related health conditions, and that this crap just adds more ammo to the fat-hate camp.

Sun, May. 8th, 2011, 11:45 pm
Roller Derby

I have thought roller derby was awesome every since watching the old retro kind on tv, complete with staged fights and really bad costumes.

I seriously looked into joining or starting a team several years ago, but the closest one was over and hour away and I had no clue about how to actually form one, few friends who would be interested, and no idea where we would practice or play, so that didn't pan out.

I had given up on the idea over the past few years, between the car wreck, being pregnant, having the baby, and trying to keep the crazy in check.

This weekend, I found out there is a local team and they meet and practice just a few miles from my home. I emailed and found out they are still looking for players and other people to be involved, so now I just have to save up some cash and get my skates and protective gear to play.

At around 300 pounds now, I'm more than a little nervous, but I've seen several other big women online that play for various leagues, so that's helping me feel better about it. If nothing else, this should also help kickstart my butt back into a decent fitness routine elsewhere just to help get and stay in shape for the sport.

Tue, Apr. 19th, 2011, 05:37 am
Catching Up

I thought I'd check in and post an update since I've been gone so long and intend to start blogging again.

Things have been pretty normal, I've just had a lot on my plate and not much time to write for pleasure.

Robbie's a year old now and doing great. He's walking, climbing, and getting into everything and is beginning to say a few words (mama, daddy, dog, up, et(eat), no, uh-oh). He's almost 3 feet tall around and was around 25 pounds at his last checkup.

I'm still toughing it out. The depression has lifted a lot, but I have been having really bad anxiety and starting to get panic attacks again. I haven't been to see my doctor in a while because money is too tight, so I'm just dealing as best I can. Physically, I'm on thyroid and vitamin D pills, and have tried both Lyrica and Celexa without really great results. It's hard to tell how much of the soreness and energy drain is due to depression, how much is due to thyroid and/or vitamin deficiency, and how much may be do to fibro. Personally, I'm a little skeptical of the fibromyalgia diagnosis, because it seems to be a catch-all around here when doctors can't figure out what is wrong.

I'm trying to do some freelance writing her from home, but it is hard to do while the baby is awake, so I keep staying up late at night to work on projects and then feeling like crap the next day. I'm writing for literally pennies per word, so it's a lot of work for very little pay, but at least it's something. I haven't had luck finding a job otherwise, between not having childcare or being able to afford it, and having some of the health programs I'm still dealing with now. I've really bombed a couple of the interviews I got, because I'm getting extremely anxious and having trouble concentrating and focusing on things. Of course, I'm sure having to bring the baby with me to most interviews isn't doing much to help, either.

I'm hoping the real estate market picks up and trying to save up a little money to get back into that once my health straightens out some. I really loved working as a real estate agent, and it's flexible enough to allow me to spend a lot more time with the baby than most other jobs would. I'm still pretty adamant against putting him in daycare, even if I could afford it, and there isn't anyone around here I'd trust to watch him. I put in an application in customer retention with a family friendly film company, but am waiting to see if they are family friendly enough to let me have my child at work with me. I also considered pizza delivery, but several people have told me it's dangerous, and I don't want to risk that.

I'm getting over the flu right now, so I'm not up to a whole lot, but I think I'm going to start walking again once I feel better, and try to build back up to running. I just feel so "blah" all the time, and I'm hoping it will help me get my energy back. It should also help get my vitamin D up, because I'll be out in the sunshine.

Fri, Feb. 18th, 2011, 09:48 am
Why I Support Planned Parenthood

If you haven't already heard about it, the House of Representatives has voted to take away all funding for Planned Parenthood. While many are already cheering this and applauding it as some kind of victory, it is not a move a can find myself supporting. Defunding Planned Parenthood will have no effect on abortion rates, other possibly causing more abortions because many women's access to affordable birth control and prenatal care may disappear. It is purely a public relations move, played for political gain, at the expense of poor and lower working class women.

Before you make any assumptions, I have never had an abortion, and cannot forsee any circumstance that would cause me to choose an abortion. Until tonight, I have always described myself as pro-life, because I feel for the lie that to mean pro choice must = being pro-abortion, but more about that in another post.

For now, lets get back to the facts about Planned Parenthood. For starters, they are not allowed to use any federal funds for abortions or abortion advocacy. That has been the law since the Bush administration. But, you say, Planned Parenthood is a pro-abortion group, so any support for them means supporting abortion. In reality, only about 3% of Planned Parenthood's activities involve abortion, and that has already been barred from using tax money.

So what does Planned Parenthood do with all that federal funding? They provide health care for people who cannot afford it otherwise - that growing segment of the population who work and cannot qualify or choose not to accept for government assistance, but also cannot afford private insurance. They provide reproductive and sexual health care for about 5 million men, women, and children each year, including prenatal care for pregnant women. They provide health exams for about 3 million people each year. They screen for cancer, doing over a million pap smears and 830,000 mammograms yearly. They test for and treat STDs, including HIV and AIDS, to help prevent their spread.

All sorts of people benefit from Planned Parenthood. It's not only the single, the promiscuous, the "others", but it could be you or a woman in your own family. One woman I know of who uses Planned Parenthood is the daughter of a Conservative, Christian, Quiverfull mother of 6 - the family cannot afford private insurance, so Planned Parenthood provides the medication that makes life during her period bearable - before, she was having such excruciating pain she'd spend hours each month curled up and sobbing on the floor. I know of another woman who used Planned Parenthood for prenatal care, prior to the birth of a healthy baby girl. A woman I know from an online message board literally owes them her life - when her Christian health care sharing fund refused to pay for diagnostic testing, she went to Planned Parenthood for a mammogram, and was diagnosed with breast cancer in time to go through treatment and survive.

I have heard people say that they basically don't care about these women, because their needs do not fit the current Conservative/pro-life agenda, and I wonder why they are so unconcerned and callous toward those who have already been born. Until some of these groups opposing Planned Parenthood actually step up to the plate and help fill the gap, they have no right trying to defund or shut them down. I guess it's preferable to have more "welfare babies", more STDS being spread, and more babies born with health problems or miscarried because the mom couldn't afford prenatal care than to have such things funded by a group one disagrees with, but then again a rise in all of the above will give the supporters of this bill something to base their campaign ads on in the future.

I wouldn't have as much of a problem with this if some of the pro-life backed "crisis pregnancy centers' would step up to the gap here and help provide health services, or at least real prenatal care, but that's not going to happen. This is the kind of stuff that gives people ammo against the pro-life movement - it comes across as willing to throw the woman under the bus to supposedly protect the unborn, yet fails again to actually help pregnant women or to cut down on factors contributing to abortions before it gets to that point.

For now, I will be signing the petition to Stand With Planned Parenthood

Mon, Jan. 3rd, 2011, 07:44 am

I'll probably start posting here again, at least some. I have facebook and all that, but the whole regular blog thing didn't turn out like I'd planned. It was cool at first, until my mom found it and started commenting about things I posted, so I felt like I had to censor myself and then just quit blogging at all. Besides, I've blogged on here so long it's sort of become a record of my life, with most of the craziness and ups and downs included, and I like that.

Lots has gone on since the last post, and I'll probably be migrating some posts over here from blogger rather than just trying to sum it all up. Long story short, I had the baby on March 25, so he's 9 months now. We named him Robbie, and he's cute, pretty good tempered, stubborn, and already loves music. I'm doing the stay at home mom thing and liking it, but stressed about money. I'm being the kind of no-spanking, breastfeeding, homemade baby food, co-sleeping, babywearing hippie mama that I figured I would be, getting a little flak for it, but the baby's doing great so it must be working. I either found Jesus or he found me, or else I'm being all religiously schizo again, so I guess time will tell.

Anyway, I'm back in church and worshiping God, thanks to some snark-on-fundies type groups of all things. I still have a lot of questions and a lot of doubts, but the community there is a good thing for me right now, at the very least. I'm still with the hubby, he's still a jerk at times, but more tolerable now than when I was pregnant. Still fat, but cool with it. I'm holding off on the triathlon training for a while until I get some health issues straight, and am sort of aggravated by that. My house is still sort of messy, but nowhere near as bad as before and I'm keeping it mostly under control. I'm still saying I'm gonna publish a book one day, but can't focus enough to write decently anymore (although I've got 3 partially written manuscripts, and a few more outlines for when I get back in the groove).

Wed, Dec. 15th, 2010, 09:49 am
Stretched Thin

I'm still reading blogs and things, just not posting a whole lot right now. Part of it is that I'm busy with the baby. He's "cruising" now and trying to learn to walk, so I'm, spending a lot more time offline playing with him and trying to help him learn new things.

The other part of it is I am mentally and physically exhausted, and I am not quite sure why. I've been feeling "off" since I had the baby, but he is my first so I wasn't sure what to expect. I had a c-section, and some bad postpartum-depression, so I chalked things up to that for a while. I went to the doctor and didn't get any real answers. My thyroid was low, and I'm medication for that now, but all it does is keep my up at night which is making me even more tired. My basic problem is I am bone-tired all the time, no matter how much or how little rest I get, am sore & stiff in my joints and neck, and have a really hard time concentrating on things or thinking clearly. None of this is normal for me at all. (I used to be able to run on about 4-5 hours of sleep all day and focus well enough to write and work with clients for 6-8 hours a day immediately after pulling a 10-12 hour shift at night).

I guess I'm asking for help. I'm assuming that being this run down isn't normal over 8 months after giving birth, but also that I'm not the only one struggling with low energy and keeping a home. I've tried changes in sleep and diet, and exercise. Walking helps some, but most days I can only do 1/2 a mile or less (in contrast, I was doing triathlon up into by 2nd trimester of pregnancy and have ran 2 marathons in the past 5 years). I'm trying to drink more water and eat healthier foods and less sugar, but haven't noticed any huge changes in relation to that. It's all just really strange to me, because I am used to having much more energy and not being sore just from daily life. It'd be different if it was just me, but it is exhausting when taking care of a little one too, and I'm really having trouble managing him and doing housework as well (my house was extremely cluttered, and I am still working on that, but this has slowed me down in that area as well).

I wonder if part of it isn't mental. I have problems with depression and anxiety as it is, and they did both get really bad in the first few months after Robbie was born. the depression is mostly gone, but some of the anxiety symptoms are worse than ever (not wanting to drive or leave the house, feeling unsafe when I'm alone, and just obsessing & worrying over all sorts of stuff. This is making me pretty isolated, and keeping me from going to church most of the time (really curvy road, and DH won't go so I have to drive if I do), which is taking away one of the few things I do that gets me out of the house and around other people.

Part of it right now is that money is very tight, and things have not worked out as we had planned. If I knew more what was going on, I could adjust better, but DH (d*** hubby) is just sort of throwing it all back on me. We have separate accounts, so I don't know how much money he has, and there have been several times where he was going to pay for something then came up short and I had to cover it at the last minute. I'm running out of savings, because I ended up paying all of the hospital and doctor bills related to having the baby, and for all of his care items. I hadn't anticipated all that.

Now, DH is wanting me to take a part time job outside the home, even though we agreed before we got married and while I was pregnant that I would stay home when we had children. It wouldn't have been as big of a deal, but I gave up a job with benefits, a great salary, and some seniority, plus a real estate career that was doing well in order to stay home. Because my former job was pretty specialized (I was a corrections officer), that means most of the jobs open to me know are minimum wage & entry level positions where I'd make about 1/3 as much as I did before. His idea is for me to work night shift at a convenience store, so he could watch the baby, but that is dangerous and would be tough with him still expecting me to handle everything at home as well (he doesn't cook at all, so I assume I'd fix dinner before going to work or else he'd be feeding the baby on cheetos, cookies, and frozen junk).

I know this sounds really entitled, like I'm just pitching a fit because I might have to go back to work, but it's more than that. If I had stayed active in real estate, this would have been a piece of cake - I had a chance to work from home as needed, and take the baby to work with me other times. The whole deal of agreeing to one thing then changing it when it is not convenient for him is just low. He refused to move a few years ago when he was unemployed, and I was offered a job with a huge pay raise because he didn't want to change industries, yet he's asking me to work at a dangerous job for next to nothing, care for the baby, and keep the house up, after convincing me to leave a career that paid good and enjoyed. I'm probably already getting put down in some people's minds for "complaining" about all this, but the whole situation just pisses me off.

For now, I'm trying to be patient and see what happens. I think he is annoyed with me not being 100% at home, and thinks an outside job would help somehow, but I'm afraid it would just leave me burned out and with no energy left to take care of the baby. I'm trying to make some extra money through freelance writing and online work, but most of the things I've been able to do are only paying 3-4 an hour at most, and I can't do much because I refuse to let the baby wander around and ignore him in order to be on the computer. I have tried to do some more serious writing to submit to magazines and things, but it's hard for me to concentrate now and that makes it tough (this post was started over 2 hours ago, of course I'm tending the baby in between writing). If anyone can recommend some good work from home jobs that are not a scam and do not require silence in the background (ie, no phone/skype jobs), then I would appreciate it. Things that could be done in the evening and at night would be great, that way my husband will be home and can help with the baby.

Tue, Sep. 14th, 2010, 09:23 am

I've been doing pretty well this month. I'm not blogging as much because I'm trying to limit my screen time, and spend more time playing with the baby now that he's getting more active, and still working on things around the house. The depression has backed way off for the most part, which is good. I'm still having some anxiety, but I can avoid many of the things that trigger it most of the time.

Physically, I'm still lacking energy a lot and waking up or staying sore most of the day about 3-4 days a week. I'm waiting until I catch up on bills and have the money to go back to the doctor for more tests to see what's going on, but I haven't been running or biking for a while. I walk some on the treadmill when I'm having a good day (that way I'm at home if I need to stop), but I'm still only doing 1/4-1/2 mile before I'm exhausted anymore. It's really frustrating. The weather's cooling off now, and I love this time of year, but it sucks not being able to take off and walk or hike now.

The baby's doing well. He's so close to crawling now. He'll scoot or crawl a few steps at a time, but he pushes up on his toes instead of his knees and it makes him fall down. We're getting ready to start him on solids, which should be interesting. I have a baby food mill and a steamer for steaming veggies, and just brought some produce. I'll be making brown rice and barley cereals, and possibly oats (all powdered in the extra coffee grinder), and pureeing avocado, banana, pear, apple, peas, squash, and sweet potato. I figure on making a couple weeks worth and freezing in ice cube trays, then it'll be ready when we need it. We got him a better sippy cup, too (handles and softer spout). He has one he's been playing with and drinking a little water, but I'm gonna start trying it with a little milk along with his food.

Around the house, I've got a big project to work on. Our heat pump was leaking water, and it's rotted the floor in the main hallway. I had the repair guy come and fix it, so that's done. I also ripped up all of the carpet in that area, to help the floor dry, Since this is a doublewide, there was linoleum underneath that, but we're leaving it down until my husband can replace the boards. The subfloor is rotten, so he'll be cutting that out and replacing it with new plywood. The good thing in all this is I have tiles we can put down, because the area leads to the bathroom I painted 6+ months ago and have been waiting for him to tile, and that floor may need a partial replacement as well. Since the carpet is out now, I'm going to spackle, prime, and paint the walls in the hallway, before he puts the floor down this weekend. (We're going room by room as we can and taking down the paneling strips then painting the walls, trying to make it look less like a trailer and more like a house inside. Once it's sanded and primed and everything the first time, it's easier repaint and change the colors later).

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