?

Log in

Sun, Sep. 2nd, 2012, 02:06 am
Stability?

Maybe I'll get back to writing more than 1 or 2 entries a year here. My other blogs are too public (as in my mom reads them) and somewhat monetized, while this one has run for years longer than any of them and is sort of my safe place to write.

Life, on the surface, is still pretty disappointing, chaotic, and fucked-up. I'm good now though, more grounded and somehow OK with all the bullshit lately. Those who know me know that major flip-flips and life changes are just part of my crazy-bitch personality, and there have been several since I last posted. I'm good with them though and I like where my life is headed and finally feel comfortable in my own skin again.

For one, I'm giving up trying to fit other people's ideas and it seems like I'm following that big circular path I've been on since my early teens and once again ending up in some of the same places. I've been out of church for a while. I wanted to be part of a community so bad but, even with a love of studying theology, I struggle to really believe. I was mainly there to help out a friend with something new he was excited about, but I didn't count on getting roped in to a support position so fast and not knowing how to bow out gracefully.  In the end, I know it wasn't the best fit for me and I should have known that going in. I like parts of the ritual and culture but only the really traditionalist places felt like "church" to me and I'll always be an outcast there - too opinionated, too skeptical, and never able to be the happy little helpmeet type without forcing my husband to change in millions of ways more than I was trying to do so myself. Finally though, I realized I couldn't do it anymore because of all the people they wanted to damn or exclude for not fitting the mold either and I couldn't be part of something that was treating people I cared about like they were some sort of freaks or failures because of how they lived or were born. I want to go back but I don't know how.

So, I guess some of my more religious friends would see me as one of those freaks and failures now. At least I'm comfortable here now though and I can be myself, for better or worse. Things are much better with my husband on the surface, but it's mainly because I've given up and have just been going along with what he wants. He's tried to convince me that we're just going to have a unique relationship and need to work things out, and that I'm just worried about what others think or how what I want or need fits into my religion, but that's not it. He says he's not really trying to push me away or cheat or play tit for tit or anything, he just wants us to be able to stay together and both get whatever else we may need, but I don't see that. He's really trying to push me into polyamory and yet lying about the hookups he's already had or tried to have, so I wonder what the angle is. He's posted ads twice trying to get me to have sex with other men, then threw  huge fit when I refused to meet with them. Is this even about it being a turn-on for him or is he trying to set something up so I get nothing if I do leave him. I don't want a bunch of people to screw - I want my damn marriage to feel like one and to actually be with someone who loves me and acts like he cares about me other than when it benefits him somehow. 

I filled out all the paperwork and stuff for school, but I still wasn't able to go. They handle financial aid sort of weird and I wouldn't have gotten any aid money until over a month after classes start and everything had to be paid for. With books, transportation, and childcare to pay for, that wasn't going to happen. Talking to people who have the degrees I was looking at or work in the field, I also realized I needed at least a 4 year degree, not an associate's. That, and getting all fired up about certain issues lately, has made my mind up to go back to my previous school and go for at least my Master's in Women's Studies. Regardless of the job market, it will at least be something I care about and won't be bored with and will be useful even if I end up working in real estate or some other type of self-employment instead of going to corporate route.

Jobwise, I'm still here at home, spectacularly broke because I can't schedule my time worth a shit, but still trying to squeeze out a living as a freelance writer. I'm trying to crack down now and actually submit some pieces to magazines and work on some fiction, both for submittal and to self-publish on Amazon, rather than relying so heavily on paid blogging and content mills. Hopefully that will pay off for me. If not, I may go back to the prison, but I am really hesitant to do that because that place was soul-sucking as hell and I do not want to have to put my son in daycare, especially when that and other costs of working will eat up about 1/2 my take-home pay.