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Sat, Apr. 11th, 2015, 05:00 am
updates

I wish more people were still on livejournal, but I think I feel safer writing on here now because it is not as popular as certain other spaces. It feels safer in the quiet, despite still being wide-open by virtue of being online. It's familiar though. I've written here a long time. Even longer if you count the high school journal I deleted. Sorry for typos and incoherance - it's 5am, I haven't slept. and I'm tired & sore.

Life is changing, for the good. I'm Catholic now. It's where I need to be, but I still struggle certain things. I guess we all do, though. Amazingly, Billy has suddenly decided he wants to try out a few churches. Not Catholic, too many rules for him right now, but he wants to avoid the charismatic/pentecostal types and the cults of personaility that we experienced in Baptist fundamentalism, so I have a feeling he'll end up in one of the more liberal but still heavily liturgical denominations.

We're both apparently flaming liberals/SJWs these day, at least by our previous standards. All the fucks I give about how other people see that are long gone, because they'd think even worse if they knew the whole story. It's been a great filter for getting most of the racist/sexist/homophobic dickwads (ie, the one's who are assholes if you don't share or bolster all of  their beliefs - I've found a few liberals like that, too) out of our lives without much effort, though, even though we had chosen to get involved with them in the first place.

I'm graduating with one AAS next month, but I'm kind of ambivilent about it. It's in Web Design & Development and I learned more on my own than in school, and don't feel like it's that great of a career field , as far as pay and stability go. I have another 1-2 years to finish the degrees I am excited about - Information Systems Security & Computer Information Technology. My long-term goal is something in cybersecurity or penetration testing, and IT is usually a stepping-stone on the way.

I just started working at a factory about an hour away. 12 hour night shift, really shitty/painful conditions, but decent pay and benefits, if I can handle it physically, at least until something better comes around. I've had 2 interviews for IT positions this month - one just a phone interview & waiting for a group interview as a followup, the other position was 2 interviews but I feel like I flubbed the main tech question by skipping the simple/obvious and going straight to more advanced troubleshooting. I though about emailing and explaining my thought process, but I'm afraid it'd make it worse. Crossing my fingers that I get one of those 2 jobs before the one I'm on destroys my back or hands or ankles or knees.

My son is 5 now. That's hard to believe, but he starts kindergarten in August. He is smart and amazing and exhausting. I miss him like hell when I work, because I go 2-3 days without seeing him. I want to get back on a normal schedule somewhere soon.

Thu, Sep. 18th, 2014, 09:38 pm
hi

I might start posting here again. I don't think people really read it anymore, and that's probably good.

There's stuff in my life I feel like talking/writing/venting about that I'm not allowed to talk about and am kind of scared to post on facebook or a regular blog or whatever, but keeping it all to myself is too lonely.

My marriage is pretty much over. Billy may or may not be trans, but I've finally had enough people tell me he's absuive I've started to listen. If/when I leave, he's going to make it about gender and make me look like an asshole, but I don't really care anymore. I can't afford to leave right now, but I'm making plans. One more year here to finsih school, then transferring to a 4-year school, hopefully out of state. I don't want to be living nearby when I tell him I'm not coming back, because I still think he could and possibly would kill me over it. He's told me that several times in the past, especially if he felt like I was taking 'his" child. I told my mom about it, she said not to take it too seriously and to just stick in there.

Sun, Sep. 15th, 2013, 01:46 pm
Too Poor to Be in a Book Club?

I joined a book club last year, partly because I love to read, but mainly to get out and meet people.

At the time, it seemed perfect. It's a great group of women, most are smart and like to talk, and we have enough varied interests and experiences to always have something to talk about and to always learn from each other. The best thing is that it was free. This was a big thing because I am on a very tight budget. I could tell by the clothes, cars, and conversation that most of the other members were upper-middle class or better, but it never made a big difference.

I think that's all changing. In the interest of keeping members and being more fun, the group leader just announced that we are changing from meeting at the library or a coffee shop to a more activity-based club. Before, the main meeting was at a free location and a few members would sometimes go out for drinks afterward. I usually couldn't afford to, but I didn't feel that I missed so much because I was still able to be part of the main event.

Now, each person is supposed to take a month and pick a book to read and an activity to go along with it. this could be pretty cool, but almost all of the activities being mentioned cost $20-30 or more. Our next meeting is going to involve a $40 tasting and tour at a local winery, our Christmas party will be at a $30-40+ country club buffet, and most of the group wants to do an event that involves a long drive and costs $95 a person. I don't want to be the one to ruin everyone else's fun or keep bringing up the cost, because I feel like people will assume I'm being cheap, but I really cannot afford this stuff every month and I hate that I will have to drop out.

At the same time, I don't know how to explain because I don't think the other people even understand what I mean when I say I can't afford things. I've already gotten confused looks when I said I couldn't afford other trips with some people in the group, where I declined because even thought it was "only" $10-15 for the event, I couldn't afford half a tank of diesel and the cost of a meal on the way there or back, too.

Seriously, I hate to be that person but I don't see a way to work around it. One thing mentioned was to host the meeting at your house, which a few people have done, but that also assumes certain things. The people who have hosted have all had nice houses in nice neighborhoods, with dining rooms and spaces for entertaining. Everyone also wants all events to be "no children". So, my house is out of the question - I live in a smallish doublewide with stains and worn through spots in the carpet and in need or more than a few repairs, in a somewhat run-down neighborhood, with no dining room and not much space for entertaining. I also have a child at home and do not have a babysitter, much less money to pay one, just so I can have people over for the evening.

What I hate about all this is that people don't get it. If I try to explain all this most of them will just assume it's not that bad and I can somehow afford to do this, when I can't (part of the reason I stay broke is trying to keep up with friends who have more money to spare than I do). I also have a feeling that I'm going to come across as cheap or antisocial when I can't keep spending money on stuff or going to all these things. I was finally making some new friends and I guess this puts an end to it.

Thu, Aug. 29th, 2013, 06:19 pm
Back to School

I'm back in college. Community college but, still, I am loving it. I was so freaked out in the week or two before that I almost dropped the whole thing, but now I am glad I didn't. I forgot how much I actually liked school and, compared to all my previous experiences, I'm like a social fucking butterfly this time around. I think it's because I don't really care whether or not I come across as a huge geek anymore or not but I'm making friends pretty easily, which surprises the hell out of me.

I haven't had much luck on the job front. Actually, I was doing telemarketing from home and getting paid OK until my laptop died on me. I explained what happened and reapplied, but I haven't heard back. I'm doing some writing for pay, but I have major issues with motivation and actually doing as much work as I need to. Partially because of that, I am still with my husband.

It probably sounds totally mercenary to be all like "yep, I'm with him to finish school and until I can afford to get a place of my own", but i think he knows the deal. Then again, he's probably with me just until we get out of bankruptcy and he can afford to take the time off and pay for gender reassignment surgery (see I don't even know which pronouns to use because he's told me he doesn't want to transition and still identifies as well, but he's told others that he is planning to and identifies as female, and I don't know which to believe). Anyway, story of our lives - we're with each other because we both have major issues but can usually manage to work with them, but I'm making plans because I know it'll end sooner or later. For the time being though, broke and miserable with a house and car beats being even more broke, slightly less miserable, and homeless.

Right now, I am putting everything into school. It's crazy now because I really can't afford it, but it should get a little better when I get my Pell Grant refund in October. That should be enough to get my Jeep fixed, and that should drop the amount of gas(well, diesel) I burn by a lot. Until then, I'm working my ass off trying to do schoolwork and write enough to cover gas and daycare, because I'm on my own as far as all this is concerned. Once this is straight, then maybe I can look for a rent-to-own place that is closer to school and reasonably safe.

Tue, May. 21st, 2013, 05:41 pm
Scratch that, maybe life does change

Well, it looks like life may be changing.

Long story short, was talking to my RCIA sponsor about marriage stuff and trying to figure out how things were going to affect me becoming Catholic if I do go through with it. Got way more into things than I had planned on and found out she is a counselor who deals with some of those issues. She pointed out a few things I hadn't thought about, mostly how this crap is affecting my son and how it will just get worse.

I'd already been seriously thinking about moving out once school starts or if I can get a job that would make it affordable, and now I think I really need to do that. I found a place that's in a good location. Close to where a lot of opportunities are, but at some distance from where we live now. The rent is cheap and there will be an option to buy after the first and second years, with owner financing once I can put 10% down. It's just a little mill house but there's room for a garden and it would be OK for starting out and maybe reselling later. It's the same price as a lot of apartments. Utilities will be higher than living outside of town, but still affordable if I get a decent job.

The job thing is up in the air. I'm waiting to hear back from a few. I put in at the prison again. I hated working there and was all sorts of mentally screwed up from the stress and drama, but the pay is good and the health insurance is good enough that I can actually afford to go to the doctor with it. OTOH, I'm putting in for other things, so maybe I'll get one of them. I'm also trying to save up some money so I can get back into real estate and be more flexible. I was planning on starting school in fall, but I'm not sure how all that will work out now.

Tue, May. 7th, 2013, 04:13 pm
Life doesn't change much

I signed back in here because I can be more honest about life and stuff than on facebook where everything is all happy and superficial or on my other blogs which I've mostly abandoned since my mom and a couple spiteful bitches who know who I am started reading and commenting on them.

Looking back through posts from last year, my life is mostly the same. My son just turned 3. I'm still staying at home with him, doing some writing and work-from-home stuff, but most staying broke and looking for a job that will pay enough to make it worth the added expenses of daycare transportation, etc. I didn't get the car lot job because they (supposedly) had a hiring freeze after the interviews. I thought about applying at the prison again, but things are weird there because the governor has proposed closing one of the two local ones, which means layoffs instead of new jobs.

Instead, I'm looking at school again. I reapplied, but am still going to face the same issue as last year, where I need to have the money before my loans and grants will come through. I asked my mom if she could loan it to me until the financial aid check comes in, but she was pretty noncommittal, so I am assuming I'll have to figure it out myself. My husband won't help with it either, so that means more writing or some sort of work I can do. I'm out of stuff to sell, because I sold off a bunch of guns and most other things I had that were worth much when he spent the house payment money and I had to come up with it on short notice a few times.

I did get $500 from the weight loss thing, but the house payment was short again, which seems to conveniently happen any time I get any money, so it went to that. It sucks because I'd planned to use it to get my car fixed. It's running, but needing $1000+ plus in work (EGR valve cooler & EGR valve on a diesel) or else it will stop running sooner or later. Seriously, 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

We have a huge garden planned and a bunch of seeds started, so I should be able to get caught up some this summer since that cuts a lot off our grocery bill. I want to get chickens too, and a hive of bees, but am still scrounging materials to build a coop/tractor and top-bar hive. I'm thinking the chickens will be good for eggs and maybe some meat and the bees should help the garden, grapes, and fruit trees grow better. Eggs and honey to sell would also be nice.

Marriage-wise, we're still together. He hasn't mentioned a lot of the things he was pressing for me to do before and I'm just ignoring what he may or may not be doing online. I'm probably just being willfully ignorant, but we're getting along better for the most part and have a decent sex-life back (with just the two of us involved), so I'll be happy with that because it's probably the best I'm going to get. He's still sarcastic and mean on occasion, but I can be that way myself, and it doesn't escalate into fighting or being really hostile anymore. I'm not scared around him when he is angry like I was for a while, so I guess that means the worst is over.

The only real change in my life in the past year is that I've changed churches. Long story, and I could write a post or 5 just on this, but I gave up on the church I'd been attending because there was a lot of stuff I didn't agree with and I just didn't feel right there. After a lot of studying and trying to find a good reason not to, I started attending a Catholic church. I never thought I'd find myself here but I absolutely love it and am going to be taking classes soon to learn more about the faith and decide if I will join the church in a year or so.

Tue, Nov. 20th, 2012, 08:12 pm
Weird

My husband turned 40 today, which sounds so strange. The age difference doesn't really bother me (especially since my FWB is older than that), but it is a little jarring to think about, mainly because I don't want to admit to being out of my 20s yet and really don't feel there mentally. I couldn't afford much in the way of presents and we usually don't do much for eachother's birthdays because we're always broke, but I burned the first 2 seasons of The Walking Dead onto DVDs for him and made his favorite things for dinner - homemade garlic bread, spaghetti & meatballs and a from-scratch chocolate cake.

I put in for a sales job at a car lot on Friday. I talked to their sales manager and he seemed willing to hire me and all that and was supposed to call me back Monday, after they ran a background check. I still haven't heard back, which has me stressing because I was so hopeful for this. I asked if filing bankruptcy would come up and count against me. He said no, they only checked for felonies. I know I don't have any of those, so there shouldn't be a problem. I did call today to check but the guy wasn't answering his phone, so I left a voice mail. I guess I'll call back again after the holidays if I still haven't heard anything, but now it's starting to piss me off - I could have still tried to visit my parents for Thanksgiving if I had known they wouldn't call me back for an interview this week, like he said they would.

Other than that, I'm signed on with this MLM weight loss company called EPXbody. If anyone else is interested in losing weight or a way to earn extra money, hit me up and I will be more than willing to sign you up. It's $39.95 for a month (unless you do the protein shakes, which are $49.95) and if you decide to sign on as a distributor you earn 25%, or about $10 for each person who orders each month. The part that got me to sign up is the 90 day challenge they sponsor - you earn money for losing weight, starting at $80 for 20 pounds, and going up to $500 for 50 pounds. Yep, that's extreme, but I think I can lose that much if I can get paid $500 for doing it. If you're interested, there is a video about it at PaidToLose.net - watch it there and you can sign up for my spam emails and info about the company for a chance to win $1000.

/sales pitch :)

The rugrat is doing good. He's still growing like a weed and talking better and better each day. He's also toned the cussing down some, which is good, especially if I get a job and he has to go in daycare. I'm ahead of the plan on my NaNoWriMo novel and wrote a whole lot today, but now I need to crack down and focus on some more of my paid writing for the next day or two. After this month's over, I'll probably channel that NaNo energy into writing some ebooks and either self-publishing or submitting to a few publishers so I'll have a little money coming in even when I'm not actively working things.

Adulthood sucks and life is too complicated, especially with a child thrown into the mix.


Sat, Nov. 3rd, 2012, 06:54 pm
So, things are going pretty well

Life's still kind of nuts, but I'm in a pretty good place right now.

I still haven't heard back from the state about the prison job, but I have picked up another writing job and it's been steady, although I have been working my ass off just to meet the deadlines involved. Billy's also picked up a little extra work this past week or two, which is good because we came damn close to losing out house and still aren't really out of the woods yet as far as that goes. Anyway, I think things are getting better, but I'm waiting until I get all of the last round of medical bills before I know for sure. If we can stretch things until tax time and get a refund then, we ought to be able to get caught up. He put in for a few jobs but didn't get any of them. He's thinking maybe some places will hire more after the election, or do layoffs - it's hard to tell because both have happened.

I've been busy. On top of the writing job, I've been working on drawing again and doing some sketches for a manga strip I want to do. I'll probably turn it into a webcomic once I got more drawings done and more of a storyline planned out. I'm also doing NaNoWriMo again this year, so there goes my November. I'm almost 5,000 words into this years novel and, of course, I'm second guessing myself and wishing I'd went with another idea, but I'm gonna force myself to stick it out with this one instead of starting over and see where it ends up.

Oh, the 2 1/2 year old broke my toe about a week and a half ago. He went out on the porch with my husband and i went out to get him. He slammed the gate open at the top of the porch steps and caught my toe some why that fractured it and ripped the nail most of the way off. It sucked. I went to the doctor's and he sent me to a podiatrist to get the nail taken care of because it ended up in a really odd position (partway ripped out on one side, partway shoved in deeper on the other, and almost sideways across my toe). I couldn't walk right for over a week but it's doing better now, despite being sore. I go back Wednesday to have it checked out. I'm just dreading getting the bill for it because or insurance totally sucks.

Life otherwise is good. The rugrat is still entertaining as hell, although he is a mess to keep up with and has destroyed about half of my makeup. I'm thinking it's time to start watching my language around him, because his favorite phrases right now are "fuck you", "that's bullshit", and "didn't call me back". Oh well, at least he uses them appropriately, I guess.

Tue, Sep. 4th, 2012, 04:17 pm
Un-frumping

For those of you that have known me in real life, most of my wardrobe has always been sort of frumpy. I'd have a couple nice/cute outfits for wearing to shows or special events but then most of the other time it was cheap t-shirts and jeans or denim skirts and mostly plain dresses.

A lot of this had to do with being poor and wearing hand me downs as a child and then thrift shop and discount store clothing as an adult. For a large part of my life, much of it was also related to a religious-based modesty culture that dictated long skirts and dresses, covered shoulders, and high necklines. Add being a plus size into the mix and finding clothes that were nice, affordable, and flattering was pretty hard, so I just bought a lot that was cheap and in my size but didn't really look that good on. 

The place where I really screwed up was getting used to it. Even when I ws not following a religion that dictates how I dressed, I had gotten so used to "standards" that I usually still looked the part. Once I was out on my own, even while I was working and making fairly good money, I would go to Wal-Mart or Sears and spend a couple hundred dollars on several pieces of cheaper clothing instead of spending the same amount on one or two nicer things. Where I would have balked at spending $80-90 on one dress, I thought nothing of buying the same $15 top in 6 different colors. This really contributed to my clothes hoarding because I had a ton of clothes that were in good shape so I didn't want to toss them, but most of it was still sort of blah, so I never really felt like I had anything nice to wear.

In the past year or two, since I'va had my son and gone up a size, I've become a much more selective shopper. Part of this is because I am not working outside the home and our family budget has dropped by over half. Having less to stand has made me picky, and that's a good thing. When I do buy clothes now, I am buying only things that I really love and that are flattering and/or make me feel good wearing them. I've found a few local stores and places online that carry clothes I really like and have been slowly upgrading my wardrobe and sorting through my older clothes to give away and sell the pieces that I don't really love. It's made me feel more confident and attractive and my husband has even noticed and offered to buy me more clothes, because he sees I'm finally putting an effort into how I look. The crazy thing is, even with my average piece of clothing costing 2-3x what I spent in the past, the overall amount I've spent on clothing in the past couple years is about a 1/4 of what it was before. Looking and feeling great and saving money in the process - loving it.

Sun, Sep. 2nd, 2012, 02:06 am
Stability?

Maybe I'll get back to writing more than 1 or 2 entries a year here. My other blogs are too public (as in my mom reads them) and somewhat monetized, while this one has run for years longer than any of them and is sort of my safe place to write.

Life, on the surface, is still pretty disappointing, chaotic, and fucked-up. I'm good now though, more grounded and somehow OK with all the bullshit lately. Those who know me know that major flip-flips and life changes are just part of my crazy-bitch personality, and there have been several since I last posted. I'm good with them though and I like where my life is headed and finally feel comfortable in my own skin again.

For one, I'm giving up trying to fit other people's ideas and it seems like I'm following that big circular path I've been on since my early teens and once again ending up in some of the same places. I've been out of church for a while. I wanted to be part of a community so bad but, even with a love of studying theology, I struggle to really believe. I was mainly there to help out a friend with something new he was excited about, but I didn't count on getting roped in to a support position so fast and not knowing how to bow out gracefully.  In the end, I know it wasn't the best fit for me and I should have known that going in. I like parts of the ritual and culture but only the really traditionalist places felt like "church" to me and I'll always be an outcast there - too opinionated, too skeptical, and never able to be the happy little helpmeet type without forcing my husband to change in millions of ways more than I was trying to do so myself. Finally though, I realized I couldn't do it anymore because of all the people they wanted to damn or exclude for not fitting the mold either and I couldn't be part of something that was treating people I cared about like they were some sort of freaks or failures because of how they lived or were born. I want to go back but I don't know how.

So, I guess some of my more religious friends would see me as one of those freaks and failures now. At least I'm comfortable here now though and I can be myself, for better or worse. Things are much better with my husband on the surface, but it's mainly because I've given up and have just been going along with what he wants. He's tried to convince me that we're just going to have a unique relationship and need to work things out, and that I'm just worried about what others think or how what I want or need fits into my religion, but that's not it. He says he's not really trying to push me away or cheat or play tit for tit or anything, he just wants us to be able to stay together and both get whatever else we may need, but I don't see that. He's really trying to push me into polyamory and yet lying about the hookups he's already had or tried to have, so I wonder what the angle is. He's posted ads twice trying to get me to have sex with other men, then threw  huge fit when I refused to meet with them. Is this even about it being a turn-on for him or is he trying to set something up so I get nothing if I do leave him. I don't want a bunch of people to screw - I want my damn marriage to feel like one and to actually be with someone who loves me and acts like he cares about me other than when it benefits him somehow. 

I filled out all the paperwork and stuff for school, but I still wasn't able to go. They handle financial aid sort of weird and I wouldn't have gotten any aid money until over a month after classes start and everything had to be paid for. With books, transportation, and childcare to pay for, that wasn't going to happen. Talking to people who have the degrees I was looking at or work in the field, I also realized I needed at least a 4 year degree, not an associate's. That, and getting all fired up about certain issues lately, has made my mind up to go back to my previous school and go for at least my Master's in Women's Studies. Regardless of the job market, it will at least be something I care about and won't be bored with and will be useful even if I end up working in real estate or some other type of self-employment instead of going to corporate route.

Jobwise, I'm still here at home, spectacularly broke because I can't schedule my time worth a shit, but still trying to squeeze out a living as a freelance writer. I'm trying to crack down now and actually submit some pieces to magazines and work on some fiction, both for submittal and to self-publish on Amazon, rather than relying so heavily on paid blogging and content mills. Hopefully that will pay off for me. If not, I may go back to the prison, but I am really hesitant to do that because that place was soul-sucking as hell and I do not want to have to put my son in daycare, especially when that and other costs of working will eat up about 1/2 my take-home pay. 

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