uponthemountain

Went to the doctor today for a regular checkup, everything's ok. They did the blood glucose test, and I guess I'll find out the result in 3 weeks when I go back. I've learned not to make appointments for late in the day, because everyone's in a rush. I had some things to ask the doctor, but didn't get a chance because of this. Was weird anyway, the hubby pissed me off on the way over, so I was in a bad mood and on the verge of tears, and my blood pressure was way up. I am not dealing with stress well at all lately, and i think the new meds are making it worse.

I talked to my dad some today. He had his first chemo appointment and said he was feeling fine and did good. He's gonna wait and see for a few days, but is planning on continuing work and just taking off a few days for each treatment, if there are no more problems. I feel like a shitty daughter for not going down there to spend some time with him, but I'm not supposed to be driving long distances alone, and the hubby doesn't consider seeing my family more than once every 5 years or so as any sort of priority, even when they are in bad health.

I feel like I really need some alone time with my husband to talk about things, because if not, I'm probably looking at a divorce not long after the baby's born, if we last until then. I had planned for us to have the whole day together tomorrow, but his mom called and wants him to come down there and fix her computer, which she screws up every few weeks to manipulate him into going to visit a few days after he's already came down. My plans were canceled because our relationship and family are obviously not as important as Earlene being able to email her friends and shop online.

Guess I'm reverting back to typical Raine mode - not many posts because I'm all fucked up in the head and not quite sure if I wanna share that with everybody.

I'm about 6 months pregnant now, doing OK babywise but having major depression & anxiety issues, so the doc put me on Zoloft, which I think is making it worse. The hospital waited over 3 weeks to get back to me on the EEG - they wanted me to come back and stay inpatient for a week or more, because they didn't find any seizure activity. I told them no, because they want tons of money out of pocket and I think it's stupid to keep going back because the didn't find anything. Also, I don't feel comfortable being away from home, not to mention all hooked up and exposed to chemicals and acteone, while this far along.

Work called and said I was totally out of leave and needed to make some sort of decision, so the doc cleared me for work with restrictions of no inmate contact or prolonged standed. That rules out my normal job, and I probably won't get to come back, because they already said they're refusing an accomodation post. Mentally, I don't need to be there right now anyway. Of course, they cut off the leave I did have left immediately, so now I have to call in daily and wait for them to make a decision and I am back on no pay status. I also found out they fucked up my FMLA status, and put me on it when I wasn't supposed to be, but will not rescind it, so I will have a very, very limited time that my job is held after the baby is born. I don't really plan to go back anyway, but they don't know that, and it's not their decision to make.

They still found cancer in my dad after the surgery, so he will be starting chemotheraphy soon. I don't know the details - he seems pretty positive, but everyone knows I'm stressed and shit myself so I doubt they would even tell me if it was really serious. I'm gonna try to get home Christmas if at all possible and see them, just so I know what's going on, and because I haven't seen my grandparents or anyone in over a year.

I'm pretty much just sulking around and vegetating right now because I have hardly any energy and whenever I do something I've been getting dizzy and feeling like my heart is pounding, which is not cool. I'm also sort of zoned out on religion again - it may be mood related, or may just be me, but I suck at the whole keeping faith thing - I guess when you feel like life's not really worth living for a while, God is a moot point. I think the whole idea of having a healthy baby is what's kept me reasonably sane and still here over the last several weeks, because my mental state and everything else has been all out of whack.

Well, I got the epilepsy monitor removed yesterday, so that's done with. It only took a few minutes, but was another drive to Winston, and the glue crap was hell to get out of my hair [I've washed 3 times, and still a have some glue plus dry hair and sores on my scalp from that crap].  I didn't pass out or anything while I was hooked up, but did have a few dizzy spells, so maybe it'll show if that it what's going on. I'll know the results in a week or so, but the last EEG [1 hour] was normal, so I'm still thinking it's just being caused by my blood pressure or some other pregnancy-related cause. I guess it's good that the doctor's trying to test and be sure everything's ok, but it's getting expensive and taking a lot of time, so it's frustrating for me, and for Billy, because he is having to take me to all the appointments [I'm still on driving restriction].

I've only heard from my mom once since my dad's surgery [it was colon cancer, not intestine like I thought she's said at first, kinda scary because my dad's father has the same thing]. He was doing good, still knocked out, but went through the surgery alright, and the doctors think they got everything out they needed to. She said they'll be doing some sort of lymph node test just to be sure, and it'd take a week or so to get results [do hospitals always say "a week or so?], but she'll let me know as soon as they find out anything. He'll be in the hospital until Monday or Tuesday at least, so she's staying there with him, and taking several weeks off work to be able to stay home and take care of him as he's healing from it.

I go back to the OB, and to the heart doctor, on Friday. Maybe I'll find out what we're doing in regards to work - if I'll be able to go back to the prison at all, on accommodation, or still no work whatsoever. The no work thing is tough, because I've gone a month without pay, will have no check next month either, and don't know from there. I did at least have real estate transactions, but with not being able to drive, I can't do showings and am having to rely on my husband to take me to listing appointments, so that's slowed down my business a lot. I am going to start doing some sewing on the side, and selling items on ebay & etsy, so that might help a little. My plan for now is to specialize in baby slings & cloth diapers, and to add more as I become better at sewing. I've made some of my own clothes, but would like a serger and more practice before I am willing to sell anything more complicated.

I also found a local doula, and will be meeting with her sometime in the next week or two. She's a retired nurse, and has been a doula for 18 years, which makes me really confident, and just from the meails we've sent, it seems like she'll be a good fit. I still plan on having a hospital birth, because of my medical issues, and to ease my mom's mind, but am going to have a waterbirth there if at all possible, and plan on minimal, if any, interventions. I'll be going over my birth plan more next Friday, with me OB, to be sure we're in agreement on things, and then taking with the doula from there. My husband is in total agreement, and my mom is feeling better about my choices now too, because she's done some research of her own.

Other than that, life goes on. I'm still bogged down in housework, but have been feeling better and having more energy lately, so I'm getting that under control more, and getting back into somewhat of a routine. I had been slacking off on my Bible study & reading, but am back on track now, because I'm keeping a notebook to make a little Bible storybook for the baby, and am wanting to keep as close to the text as possible. I'm also making time to sew some everyday, and my husband found me a great vintage sewing machine [a Singer clone], and bought it for me because he knew my current machine was giving me a fit. I'm making my own cloth diapers, soakers, and covers, as well as a quilt and some bedding & curtains for the baby's room, and a few maternity clothes for myself. I also made a custom hospital gown, not too fancy, but it has snaps as well as ties in back and front snaps, for a little more comfort & modesty in the hospital, and convenience for nursing.

I am sick of anything having to do with doctors, hospitals, etc right now.

My dad had surgery on Thursday to remove [part of? ] his colon, due to a cancerous tumor they found like a week ago, after months of doctor's visit and having his problems blamed on weight & lifestyle. They think they got everything out, but it will take a week or so to get the lab results back and be sure.

At the same time, I went to Baptist Hospital early today to be hooked up for epilepsy monitoring, so I'm sitting here with a bunch of wires glued to my head and stuck into a box I have to carry around with me. I'm wearing a headscarf over it, but still look pretty messed up with the wires coming out from underneath. I go back tomorrow to have them removed, and I guess from there I'll just sit and wait until they decide it's not neurological, or decide to admit me for a week to be monitored, like they originally wanted to. Of course, insurance is being a bitch. This will cost me around $800 so far, above what insurance has paid. Makes me wish I'd pushed the whole worker's comp thing earlier when I got jumped at work, but I hadn't planned on all this shit happening just from a fight.

I heard back from the neurologist today. My EEG was normal, so they're wanting me to do a 24 hour ambulatory EEG, which means they put a monitor on me, then I come back the next day for them to remove it. It's like each time they find out it's ok, they want to do more tests. All this is to satisfy insurance requirements so they can keep me in the hospital on monitors for a week.

The crazy thing is this is still all probably caused by blood sugar or something, but I guess they want to be sure because I blacked out in the car wreck before I was pregnant. I just want to get the ok to drive again, because being stuck at home means I can't work, so now I'm bored and broke.

I don't know if it's cranky hormonal shit, or just being stuck at home and not allowed to drive right now, but the first answer that's popping into my head for about 2/3 of booju_newju & other questions about dealing with people it "Tell them to fuck off!".  I may just apply that as my #1 strategy in dealing with unsolicited advice, seems simple enough, and the more people I piss off, the less I have to deal with.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I stayed up, then went to sleep this morning and ended up having this crazy dream/nightmare. For some reason I was home and ended up giving birth down at my grandparent's house, with my parents around, but not my husband. I don't remember much of the dream, just waking up and finding out that my son had been born & not remembering it at all. It was like I had been under anesthesia the whole time or something - I didn't remember anything at all. I remember being so pissed, any everyone assuring me that it was for the best so I didn't feel any pain, and I should rest because he was being looked after and fed. This also pissed me off, because I am very set on breastfeeding and having my baby with me immediately after birth, to bond and to feed for the first time [makes it more likely to succeed]. I remember looking for him and not being able to find him, and worrying that if I didn't find him soon he'd be stuck on formula and I wouldn't be able to breastfeed, and maybe not be able to bond at all. Kind of freaky for a dream, but it made me feel really violated and scared. The freaky part is, other than location, it didn't really seem different than what a lot of people tell me their ideal hospital birth is like. I guess my subconscience was trying to show me how I'd end up feeling if things did go that way.

We were in Wal-Mart today, so of  of course I drug my husband over to the baby section to see if anything we needed/wanted was on sale.

I pointed at one of the nursing wraps, and I was like "we'll probably need to get one of these to cover the baby with so people don't get all butt-hurt if he needs to eat and we're out in public somewhere". Billy's like, "How about I just get a cheap blanket and throw it over their head of they don't like it, or I can just punch them upside the head until they shut up about it?" the woman in the aisle beside us, with her baby, started laughing and gave him a high five. I was a little embarrassed, but proud of him, too.

Went in for the ultrasound today, and we're definately gonna be having a boy.

They moved my due date up to March 10, so either he's big for his age or I'm a little further along than we thought at first.

Now we get to argue over names, lol. The hubby likes Robert Jay, I'm more fond of Jacob Isaac, but we can both live with Thomas Jackson. I'm sure we'll probably end up coming up with something totally different at the last minute and naming him that though.

stolen from gynocide.

Bold statements that are true. Italicize statements that are partly true. Give yourself 1 point for each bolded statement and half a point for each italicized one.

Appearance
I hate the way I look.
I cannot look in the mirror without thinking that I am ugly.
I think I am the ugliest of all my friends.
I don't think my preferred gender (sexually) will ever be attracted to me.
If I had the money, I would get plastic surgery.
I would change at least 5 things about myself.
My friends/partner/family constantly tell me I'm beautiful, but I don't believe them.
I will not leave the house without make-up on.
Total: 1.5

Weight
I hate my body.
I wish I was thinner.
I'd rather be stick thin than a little chubby.
I am jealous of all the models I see in magazines.
I either have or do make myself throw up regularly.
I starve myself on a regular basis.
I track how many calories I eat, and get mad at myself when I go over the limit.
I have an eating disorder or am developing one.
Total: 5

Abilities
I am not good at anything.
I have no special talents or skills.
I don't apply for jobs because I know I will never get hired.
I suck(ed) at school and don't (didn't) bother trying.
I think I'm stupid.
My friends are all good at something, but I'm not.
I'd rather die than perform anything in front of a crowd.
I can't name anything good about myself.
I don't believe in myself.
Total: 3

Feelings
I am currently depressed.
I feel lonely and/or sad all the time.
I feel like nobody cares or understands me.
My crush doesn't even notice me.
I don't know why I am living.
I think about suicide seriously.
I get embarrassed easily.
I haven't been happy in long time.
Total: 6

Habits
I often lie in bed for hours, not being able to sleep.
I worry about things constantly.
I drink/do drugs to make myself feel better about my life.
I often hurt myself purposely.
I cry 4 or more times a week.
I can relate to every sad song out there.
I always have to do something to get my mind off things.
Total: 3

Total: 18.5

OVERALL TOTAL:
0 - 10: Your self esteem is great!
11 - 20: Your self esteem is okay.
21 - 30: Your self esteem could use some work.
31 - 40: Your self esteem is really low. Seek help from family/friends if you feel down all the time.

Went to the cardiologist last week, everything seemed OK. I have to go back on the 22nd to get my echocardiogram results, but I figure they'd call if there was any problem with them. The neurologist had a cancellation, so I was able to get an appointment there today. It was a 2 hour drive, but at least it's a start. He wants me to come back and stay in the hospital there for a week for monitoring, to see if I pass out or have any seizure type episodes so they can record everything. I have a couple doc appts coming up this week, so I'll probably do it next week. He also doesn't want me driving, and said it's actually illegal to drive with a medical condition like I've been having. I've been trying to avoid it anyway, but the total restriction sort of sucks, because I am trying to sell some houses and do some stuff other than vegging around the house.

I dunno what will happen in regards to work. My boss is still being an asshole, and told me to not even bother coming back if I'd need any sort of accomodations, because they didn't have to offer any for my position. I know that's bullshit, but I have so much other crap to deal with right now I just don't feel like fighting them too. My parents filled out the forms to donate some leave, so maybe I'll get at least a partial paycheck next month. After that, I dunno. I can't work if I can't drive, but I'm out of sick leave so I dunno if they'll put me on disability or what. I'm also out of FMLA leave, so I really don't know if they have to keep my job open. Even if I quit, I could maybe make it 1-2 months on my 401k, but they say it takes at least 3 months to get your retirement money out, and I still dunno what to do after that, because this is really messing up my whole plans to do real estate as an extra income [can't show homes if I can't drive].

I went to the doctor today for my followup. Things have still been pretty rough - not as much morning sickness, but I've passed out several more times and am getting really frequent headaches. He did an ultrasound and the baby is ok, but he's concerned about the other stuff. I have a heart murmur, which isn't uncommon during pregnancy, but he's sending me to a cardiologist to check things out. He's also trying to get me an appointment with a neurologist, to rule out seizures or anything that may have been caused by the car accident in April. Both neurologists are booked until November, but the nurse is faxing my records to one of the hospitals and trying to get me an earlier appointment.

I guess I should actually start posting here again, since it's not like I keep my myspace or anything else up to date.

I'm healed up from the wreck, although I have 2 lovely scars that looked like I tried to slit my wrists from the side [where they did surgery to put the plates/screws in to hold the bones together]. I got another diesel Liberty to replace the Jeep - dark grey instead of red, but otherwise mostly the same.

Since I had nothing better to do while gimped up and off work for 3 months, I got pregnant! :) I'm 15 weeks now, so I'll be due on March 14. We don't if it's a boy or a girl yet, should go for that ultrasound in another couple of weeks.

I ended up back at the prison for less than a month, and then got put out of work again. I've had horrible morning sickness and passed out several times [twice on the concrete floor at work], ended up in the hospital twice on IVs because I got dehydrated from it. They have me on phenergan now to keep me from throwing up so much, but it makes me tired as hell. I go back to the dr. on the 29th, to see if they'll release me to go back to work.

Work is being assholes about it all. They dragged around on my paperwork, so I probably won't get a paycheck at all next month. Also, they are telling me there is no accommodation post [my dr. wants me out of the kitchen and somewhere where I can sit part of the day], and are not letting me transfer to another post, even though I've had 2 offers, and the whole chain of command on that shift has asked for me to transfer there [they're short 7 staff & I used to train people for the post, so I know what I'm doing]. Basically, they're going to try to fuck me and put me on disability at partial pay if the doctor doesn't clear me to go back to doing the shit that was making me get so sick.

I am trying to do real estate more, but not really feeling up to anything, so that's slow too now. After the baby's born, I'm hoping to do it as my only job, because I can be more flexible with time, work from home or take the rugrat with me if need be, and because I don't want to work my ass off at some place I hate just to be able to pay someone else to watch my kid so I can be miserable.

2006 Jeep Liberty CRD - Lots of Good Memories


This is turning out not to be my year. After finally getting my Jeep back, I was in another wreck, and she was totaled. I got rear-ended at a red light, pushed into the intersection, and broadsided by an oncoming truck. It hit the Jeep hard enough that it popped my door open, knocked the rear axle out from under it, twisted the frame, and ripped one of my rear seats loose. If the truck had hit about 6 inches further forward, I'd have probably gotten killed, but the door post absorbed most of he impact and sort of deflected the truck down the side and back. I ended up with a bunch of bruises, very sore back, neck, and ribs, and a broken arm.

This all happened on the 15th, on my way to work, but I spent a week in the hospital, and have just gotten able to type with my right hand in the last couple days. Tried updating left-handed, but it took way too long so I said screw it. Anyway, they did surgery on right arm, screwing metal plates into both bones to hold them back together. It still hurts like hell ff and on, and my hand is all screwy [numb, and hard to move certain ways or grip with], but my physical therapist says I should be back to normal in a few months. I'm impatient though - the time off work is probably doing me good in more than one way, but it's annoying as hell not being able to do things with my right hand/arm.

Since the hubby & I are both stuck at home [he's still job-hunting, and I'm gimped up for a while], I'm using him to do most've the hard work and fixing up the house. So far, we've cleaned out & organized all the kitchen cabinets, cleaned out the bedroom closet, redid the small bathroom, and are in the process of doing the large bathroom. I also shampooed all the carpets and rugs and a decluttering and getting rid of a bunch of junk. I also got rid of our crappy old loveseat and replaced it with a much nicer one I got off craigslist for $40. My tax money splurge was a new mattress & box springs, which will hopefully help my back not hurt as much, and was something we really needed to replace anyway.

Today was amusing. I still have a huge open scrape/bruise on my chin, and a couple inmates seem to think the hubby's beating me. Dunno why, but I think that's funny. Of course, my manager had to pick on me and ask if it was more bad luck or if I was just clumsy. He probably assumes I was drunk. I'm just glad to have my car back and not be driving that huge ass Ramcharger, cause it was killing me to buy gas for it.

New sleep meds are working pretty good. They sure as hell put me out for a while, just odd cause I get all stoned feeling when I take it, until I do go to sleep.

Wow, talk about an up & down sort of day.

Started off with waking up from a crazy dream - the hubby & I were living in my parent's house [parents nowhere around] & got a new neighbor who was all suspicious because we were up late and kept calling and harassing us, looking in the windows, then calling the cops on us & telling them we were terrorists or something because we wouldn't call her back or answer her questions - ended up with cops digging in the yard looking for bodies & me wigging out on her & getting arrested anyway. Was just freaky because it seemed so real & I remembered a lot of small details.

Was happy cause I finally got my car back from the body shop & it looked great - actually better than when I bought it - they had it all buffed & waxed, which got out some small chips & scratches that needed fixing and had the inside cleaned & detailed too.

After I got my car, I had my first outpatient appointment with the psychiatrist I saw in the hospital. I was really nervous about it for some reason, but it went pretty well, and he's changing my sleep meds, so maybe I'll get something that will keep my asleep for more than 4-5 hours at a time.

After I got home, the hubby & I went to the $2 theater to see "Valkyrie". We'd missed it at the regular theater, and I just happened to notice it was playing there when I drove by. I figured the place would be sketchy because of the price, but it was actually pretty nice and cleaner than the theater we normally go to. I thought the movie was really good too, and pretty accurate as far as I could remember the history [I was way into WWII stuff in school].

Then I got home and went to take the dog out. I still dunno what happened for sure, I think I just tripped over something, but I fell flat of my face. I ended up bruising the crap out of my left knee & scraping it through my jeans, and busting my chin open [I grabbed for my knee when it hit first, then my chin & face hit right on a concrete stepping stone]. That was like an hour ago, and I'm still sitting here with ice on my knee & a cold rag on my chin to numb it and slow down the bleeding. I think it's just bruised/cut, because I can still move my jaw & leg, but they both hurt like hell.

Things have actually been going better the last couple weeks.

I haven't been online much, because I got in a car wreck the Monday after I made my last post, and then I've been down with the flu for about a week. Just haven't felt like being online with all of that going on. I'm supposed to get the Jeep back Friday, so hopefully it will still look/drive OK.

I've missed a ton of work, but I think I really needed the break. I'm a little worried about missing so much, but I had the time, because I almost never take a sick day. It just looks bad being out for almost 2 weeks, then not even working a full week before being out again. The good thing about this is my manager is the one who gave me this flu, and sent me home early Friday because I was sick, so at least he knows it's for real. I think my body is just physically and mentally worn out, so maybe this was its way of telling me I still needed a break. I'd just rather have it when I felt good enough to get some shit done though.

I am not dealing with life right now.

Thought I should post, because this is the one blog I actually get personal in, and I tend to avoid it when life isn't being tolerable. This may be scattered, cause I'm not really thinking straight. I can't concentrate worth a damn and haven't had a normal night's sleep in a week or so. I am just so stressed and overwhelmed right now it scares the shit out of me. I really don't need to be working where I am cause the stress is causing me major health issues & I cant concentrate or think straight a lot of the time, which could be dangerous there. I just can't afford to quit and I'm scared I'll end up losing my job if I take leave or anything. If nothing else, it'll screw me out of any chance promoting or moving to a better job with less stress & bullshit within the DOC. I want to just quit so bad, because I'm afraid of breaking down on the job, nut I can't afford to. I have $68 in the bank, my next paycheck is March 31, and my husband is still laid off with no real job prospects. For some reason I can tell the internets this, but not my family or what friends I have left [between the hours, personality change, & intrusion into my personal life, work & depression have pretty much left me with no close friends]. It took another coworker killing himself this week to make me realize that this shit is not normal and I really need to deal with it fast, but I have no idea how. I'm tired of just existing but I don't know if I'm capable of taking any other action, even just trying to get counseling or some shit, because there's always so much other crap involved. I want to know it'll be alright somehow, but common sense and everything else tells me that it probably wont.

My husband has had 2 job interviews recently, both about an hour from the house, in different directions. He'll probably have another interview in the Charlotte area next week. Either way is too far for him to drive, so he's decided that we'll move somewhere closer to where he works.

I did get my promotion, and a slight raise, on my job, so we've talked about buying a house about halfway between the two cities. This would mean about a 30-45 minute drive for both of us, but it's not much further than our last commutes [I drive about 50 minutes, and his was around 30 minutes]. If I could transfer closer to Charlotte, then we may do that, because it would put my closer to the city and I may be able to do school there. I have no idea how I'd afford it, but there is a Johnson & Wales campus in Charlotte, which would look much better on a resume than a community college culinary degree. There's also at least one internship offered in the general area.

Right now, we're just waiting, and trying to plan ahead. I have found a few affordable homes in the area, some with a decent amount of land. Most will need some work, but they are houses and not trailers, so they will gain value over time as we are able to fix it up. Selling our current home may be a problem, because we are "upside down" on our mortgage, but I'm sure things will work out if they're meant to be. I have thought it would be nice to live closer to a city, but still in a rural area, and this may give us a chance to see what it is like. I just didn't plan on it having so many things on my plate in the process.

Been fighting one helluva cold for the past couple days. Got the day off work today because I was visibly feeling like shit and flushed last night, and was told to take the day off if I had a fever [sucks cause I felt too bad to enjoy it - today was about cold meds, liquor [self-medication], sleep, sweating, and snot]. Good thing is the fever finally broke, and I can breathe slightly better, so I can go in tomorrow if I'm not running a temp or sneezing/coughing too bad. I do not want to screw this job up by being sick. ;(

Other med news is my oncologist cleared me for fat surgery. Most of my family [mom, sis, aunt] have had gastric bypass, with pretty good results. I am not cool with permanent, irreversible, cutting of my internal organs, so I hadn't considered it an option. However, I found out the Lap-Band thing [which my dad is looking into & a few friends have had] is minimally invasive and reversible/adjustable. I pretty much suck at losing weight through ordinary means, and I need to drop serious poundage because my future career plans all seem to involve long hours standing and walking and it's killing my feet and knees right now, so I'm going to the little Lap-Band information meeting on Wednesday evening.